The Willingness to Submit

By Wade Lee Hudson

Submission comes in many forms. At times, people use force to compel unavoidable conformity. However, many yield when they could resist and want to do so but fear the consequences. When to obey, when to rebel, and how to rebel wisely are constant, often difficult questions.

Society trains people to defer to authority, which protects elite power, wealth, and status. Progress requires overcoming this conditioning and nurturing individual and collective empowerment.

Many people please their teacher to gain good grades and please their boss to get promoted. They self-censor and avoid expressing their views on controversial topics to minimize the risk of job loss or career opportunities. They work for dictatorial employers who regulate their speech, clothing, and manners and threaten to fire them for their political activities, diet, or almost anything bosses care to govern. 

Many people lack self-confidence, feel insecure, aren’t comfortable in their skin, and don’t like their body image. They’re intimidated by people who are threatening or seem more intelligent. They believe someone must always be in charge. They do what they’re told, no questions asked. They’re inhibited by self-doubt and social anxiety. They feel inferior and assume others have more rights. They believe people deserve their success or hardship because they earned it. They accept expert opinions without evaluating them. 

Many people stay quiet when they want to speak or remain passive when they want to act. They adapt to controlling parents. They defer to people who are taller, better looking, or darker. They let others who talk fast monopolize conversations and indulge in mansplaining. They don’t ask someone for a date because they fear rejection. They don’t intervene when they witness abuse or accept it when they are abused. They’re bullied at school but don’t fight back or tell the teacher. They fall into the habit of deferring to the more assertive partner. They go along to get along. They believe Father Knows Best and let the man open the door and answer the question. They obey Authority. They stay loyal to their community or family regardless of reservations and don’t form their own opinion. They worry others will ostracize or shun them if they disagree. They feel shy or ashamed and back off. They fake it ‘til they make it. They don’t challenge their social service providers because they fear losing benefits. They fail to “call in” people who make offensive comments.

Many people don’t join a protest or make a lobbying call when they feel they should. They worship Saviors and embrace them uncritically. They want a Strongman to establish law and order. They decline to prosecute criminal police officers. 

These problems don’t apply to everyone, but at least some afflict more people. Counter-productive submission is serious and widespread.

However, down deep, people desire to be all they can be, improve their abilities, discover new truths, contribute to others’ welfare, and leave the world a better place. They want to be honest, protect their integrity and dignity, and be true to who they really are.

Nevertheless, many sell out, conform, and try to prove themselves to others. They join the rat race, live lives of quiet desperation, keep up with the Jones, and buy the latest consumer goods to show their status and get respect. 

Blind conformity undermines self-development and weakens community. People climb social ladders to look down on, try to dominate, and exploit those below — and submit to those above. They fail to collaborate as equals to serve humanity, their environment, and life itself. They don’t work to promote justice by preventing suffering. 

Deciding when to resist can be difficult, but the world needs timely, wise, compassionate rebellion. 

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In 1961, Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram measured the willingness of people to obey an authority figure who instructed them to administer gradually increasing levels of electric shocks to a "learner." Every participant went up to 300 volts and 65% to 450, a level that would have been fatal if real. Scores of experiments, some with slight variations, have replicated these results.

In “The relationship of shame, social anxiety, and depression,” Paul Gilbert argues that

emotions and moods are significantly influenced by the perceptions of one's social status/rank; that is, the degree to which one feels inferior to others and looked down on.… Shame, social anxiety, and depression are all related to defensive submissive strategies when individuals find themselves placed in unwanted low-status/rank positions.

In an extensive National Institutes of Health review of the “dominance behavioral system” literature, the authors say

status describes the ability to gain the respect and social attention of other individuals…. Some people strive for power, whereas others try to avoid it. Inflexibly submissive individuals, for example, do not feel comfortable with having power…. 

Powerlessness (and self-perceptions thereof) has been the focus of substantial research. People who are powerless are more vulnerable to social and material threats and to losing the favor of powerful others. Powerless individuals are more likely to encounter interference from others when approaching potential rewards, and they tend to be aware of these social threats and constraints on their behavior…. Powerless persons may overestimate social threats, such as being disliked or rejected…. 

Shame is triggered when an individual perceives the self as unattractive to others, or when social attention-holding potential is low. Shame can be triggered by hostile interactions with dominant others and is associated with submissive behavior. Nonverbal expressions of shame involve hiding the self, such as averting one's gaze and covering one's face with the hands. Internal sensations include feelings of inferiority, decreased confidence, and lower self-perceived status.

As described in Wikipedia, 

Social dominance theory…proposes that widely shared cultural ideologies (“legitimizing myths”) provide the moral and intellectual justification for…serving to make privilege normal….

Human social groups consist of distinctly different group-based social hierarchies in societies that are capable of producing economic surpluses. These hierarchies…are based on: age, gender, and arbitrary (factors like) ethnicity, religion, nationality, or any other socially constructed category.

Social dominance theory argues that all human societies form group-based hierarchies. A social hierarchy is where some individuals receive greater prestige, power or wealth than others. A primary assumption…is that racism, sexism, nationalism, and classism are all manifestations of the same human disposition to form group-based social hierarchies….

Legitimizing myths are consensually held values, attitudes, beliefs, stereotypes, conspiracy theories, and cultural ideologies. In current society, such legitimizing myths or narratives are communicated through platforms like social media, television shows, and films…. 

Throughout the world, voters faced with insecurity have shown the willingness to sacrifice democracy and install Strongmen. In the United States, Matthew H. Graham and Milan W. Svolik found that only 3.5 percent of voters will defect from a candidate they otherwise support but who does something destructive of democratic norms. A real-life example: a candidate in Montana threw a well-respected journalist to the ground, won election to Congress, and is expected to become governor.

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Spiritual teachers often perpetuate irrational submission. As Sam Keen articulated in the 1973 Esalen Institute conference on “Spiritual and Therapeutic Tyranny: The Willingness to Submit,” one method they use is to seduce followers to pursue unrealistic goals, which requires indefinite work with the teacher. 

One typical example is preaching “surrender,” as does Deepak Chopra. He claims, “When you surrender spiritually, you…have faith that there is a Divine force taking care of everything in a perfectly orchestrated manner,” which reduces the need for assertive action to solve problems.

Cynthia Bourgeault recommends, 

You go where you are put, whether you want to or not.… Liking is completely irrelevant; you’ve developed enough of an independent being that you move apart from likes and dislikes…. You become an immediately plugged-in instrument of Divine will. You have no will apart from Divine will.

In The New Earth, Eckhart Tolle writes:

There is no wanting… The meek are the egoless… They live in the surrendered state… The ego is…an illusion… Negate (and thus undo) the illusion of self… You rise above (unhappiness) by uncompromising surrender to what is… One of the ways (peace) enters this world is through surrendered action, one aspect of which is acceptance… (Spiritual empowerment) never opposes. It is non-confrontational… It never attacks.

To be submissive is to yield to someone else's will. You give less value to your desires, may repress memories of being dominated, may deny the value of your feelings, and fall into a downward spiral of increasingly less self-esteem.

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Conscious domination and submission can be justified ways to control aggressive behavior and prevent chaos. Red lights are necessary. At times, police must confine criminals. When time runs out, workers may need to do what the leader decides. 

In human societies, commitments to alliances are important. Knowing where you stand in the hierarchy matters. Acceptance of your rank may make sense. Playing roles can reduce the time needed to make decisions. Ranking can help allocate resources and regulate competition for promotions. It can facilitate cooperation and mutual aid and clarify crucial in-group and out-group distinctions. Belonging to groups is crucial and conforming to the group’s values and accepting your place may be necessary. 

Beatrice Bruteau incisively criticized the “domination/submission paradigm.” She wrote, “In our culture, we have tended to award to the functionally dominant persons and institutions a total value of superiority, privilege, and power that has often led to injustice, damage, and suffering.” However, she also acknowledged that domination and submission are not “productive only of ill. In fact, I hold that certain versions of it can be useful and appropriate in various limited, specific, functional situations.”

The Indian philosopher Krishnamurti addressed, “Why do we want to dominate or be subservient to another? He said, “The unconscious desire to dominate (can take) the guise or the cloak of service, of love, of being kind, and so on….” He referred to “the unconscious pleasure of dominating somebody” and said, 

This inward desire to seek power, to seek success…are all indications of domination…. As most of us do not want to go through the pain, the sorrow, of facing the complications of our psychological states, we are distracted by these exploiters; and we like to be exploited.  

Yet, he also said:

Not that you should not dominate, or be submissive; but there should be awareness of this whole problem. To be aware, one must approach it without any condemnation, not taking sides; and it is a very difficult thing to do because most of us are swayed to condemn. And we condemn because we think we understand. We don't. The moment we condemn, we stop understanding. That is one of the easiest ways of brushing things aside — to condemn somebody. But to understand this whole process requires great alertness of mind, and a mind is not alert when it is condemning, or justifying, or merely identifying itself with what it feels.

So, can we look at this problem without condemnation? Can we merely observe, silently watch this process at work within ourselves? It can be observed very easily in all our relationships. Just silently watch the whole phenomenon unfold itself. You will find that when there is no condemnation, no justification for your domination, it begins to unfold, there is no hindrance; then you will begin to see all the implications, not only of personal domination, but also of public domination, the domination of one group by another, of one country by another, of one ideology by another, and so on. Self-knowledge is essential for any kind of understanding….

A mind that is merely dominating, asserting, tethered to a particular form of belief, to a particular opinion, cannot go further, cannot take a long journey, cannot soar. 

And so, is it not essential, in understanding oneself, to understand this most difficult and complex problem of domination? It takes such subtle forms; and when it takes a righteous form, it becomes very obstinate…. 

Can you be in relationship to someone whom you say you love, and yet dominate? Then, surely, you are merely using; and when there is using, there is no relationship, is there?...

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Obedience is often wise, and so is rebellion and the line between the two is narrow. Modern societies err on the side of conformity, but irrational rebellion can be counter-productive. 

Overcoming blind submission, asserting yourself humbly, and engaging in cooperative problem-solving with peers rooted in mutual respect is not easy. Nevertheless, strengthening self-development and community empowerment is important.

We must create positive environments that enable people to express themselves freely, respectfully disagree, and offer models of rational non-obedient behavior. In these ways, we can grow movements that nurture compassionate individuals and a just society.